A Significant Other View
by Julie Freeman
This article is reprinted with permission from DEVIL WOMAN, the Diablo Valley Girls newsletter. Ms Freeman is the wife of a crossdresser. She can be reached at Julie39@comcast.net
When significant others first find out about their partners' crossdressing, many believe at first they have somehow failed their partners. In some way, they must not be satisfactory or there would be no need for the crossdressing. Many times they believe they can "cure" the crossdressing if they somehow just do a better job at being a wife. When this does not work, as it won't, their self-esteem plummets and sometimes jealousy of the crossdressed persona may develop. As the crossdresser becomes more adept with makeup and wigs, as his wardrobe expands, and he becomes more attractive, her feelings of worth and significance may dwindle even more.
She may begin to rage at her partner, not even understanding why. And he, bewildered and confused by this rage, may begin to withdraw from the relationship, afraid to make things worse. His intention was never to belittle or ridicule his partner, but she does not know this. Both partners in the relationship need to understand where the need to crossdress comes from before the issue of self-esteem can be addressed.
The last thing on most crossdressers' minds is to make their partners feel worthless and insignificant. Rather they are trying to emulate their wives by being the best women they can be. It becomes then important for the crossdresser to realize how his partner may be affected by his developing femininity. Some wives have no problems with their husbands' other persona; in fact, they take his growing appreciation of their needs as a true compliment and the better "she" looks, the better the wife may feel. But not all wives understand the motivations behind their husbands' desire to look attractive and take it as a personal affront to their womanliness. It therefore becomes necessary for the crossdresser to reassure his wife or partner that his need to crossdress is not related to her ability to be a good wife.
When wives understand the crossdressing phenomenon and realize they are not responsible, positively or negatively for the behavior, they can then start to make crossdressing a positive force in their relationship. Why not make use of each other's abilities. Crossdressers love to receive advice from their wives and partners and learn from them. Perhaps he can help her with makeup; perhaps she can help him with choosing a wig. Suggestions on outfits would not be out of hand for either.
So make lemonade out of lemons! Both can learn from each other. Whatever works in the relationship, let it work! Be willing to share with one another. It will not only help the crossdresser perfect his image, but it will also help raise the woman's self-esteem as she realizes how she is valued and appreciated.